In The Other News

In Other News by ADudeNamed Anthony

Lots of Protests?

As I look around town, I see there are a lot of people protesting in a subtle way. It seems there are hidden messages in various items laying about. Apparently, many people are objecting to 'something'.

I look closely at things around town and see what people call them. They mostly say "Object". Look around; count them. I would just like to know what everyone is objecting to.

Telling it like he sees it:
ADudeNamed Anthony

Hula Hoops Invented

So, I broke my back yesterday with this crazy circular device. They say it's the new fad, but you can keep it. I'm too old for this.

I interviewed a local toy store owner about it and asked who these are marketed for. She just responded with: "You know, for kids."

It's not exactly a profound statement. I doubt it would be remembered in the future.

Cars Have Seat Belts Now

So, here we are in 1952 and some cars now have seat belts.

It seems that folks are becoming paranoid about auto safety these days. I don't know what the big deal is. Cars are made of heavy metal. We are pretty safe. It's not like most cars have a fiberglass body.

Cars are pretty big too. There is plenty of room. Who would make a car compact?

What's next? Inflatable pillows coming out of the steering wheel? Those are destined to malfunction. Mark my words.

I drove a car here in Bay City. It had no seat belts. I flipped the car over several times and stayed centered in the seat unharmed. I didn't even fall out. I also drove at the bottom of the canal and didn't drown, but that's something else.

So enjoy your "safer" cars. At least we still have fins on the fenders.

Troops Withdraw From North Korea

Mark the day. It's August 18th, 1954. After a long struggle over there, the last of our troops are heading home.

I interviewed someone who had recently returned from there. His name was Eagle Eye... or Hawk Nose... I forget; I didn't have a pen on me at the time. He was a little bent out of shape when I offered him some chicken. I am not sure why. He just broke down crying for some reason.

So what did we learn from this war? "Don't go to North Korea." That sounds like a good rule to me.

No president is dumb enough to do THAT again!


Eisenhower Proposes Medicare

It's 1961 and finally, no medical bills! That's right. Pretty soon we will no longer have to pay for health care out of pocket. I predict this will happen by 1980.

Really! What could go wrong?

Hawaii Added as 50th State

Aloha. We have a new state. Now we have to change the flags. Be sure to buy stock in flag manufacturing companies.

We should just add all of the islands. I am sure 20 years from now we will add Puerto Rico, Jamaica, even Cuba. What could go wrong?

On that subject, I have noticed a new island northwest of Bay City. Perhaps we should annex it. It already displays the city flag.

Do you have a flag?

Telling it like he sees it:
ADudeNamed Anthony

Ban Lines?

I tried entering a large facility in downtown Bay City, only to discover I was not allowed on the property. I was told I had to be a citizen of a particular group. The group seems to be some elitist set of people who think they are better than everyone else.

I interviewed the owner of the land. I can only describe him as a man with a really bad haircut. He stated that only special people who are residents of the land are allowed on the property. He also mentioned that he plans on constructing a large prim wall with awful pictures on it and asked me for Lindens to help pay for it.

I told him to get lost and went about my business.

Don't worry, much of Bay City is still accessible. I didn't want to go there anyway.

New Years Day, Sunday, January 1st, 1950

New Years Day is Sunday, January 1st. Not only in 1950, but also in 2017.

I don't know why I am obligated to mention 2017, but there it is.

We will have invented time travel by 2017, so this may be redundant.

Happy New Year!

Local Adolescent Stuck To Flag Pole

Outside of a school here in Bay City, a child was found with his tongue stuck to a flag pole.

Local police and the fire department were called to the scene to assist.

In the end, it was a simple matter of "standing". This seems confusing, because the child was already standing at the time. I was told he was in a pose that he needed to escape from. (Whatever that means.)

I asked the child why he did such a thing. He responded by saying three dogs dared him to do it. The alleged dogs were not available to interview.

Presidential Candidate Declares Elections Are Fixed

Yes, it's election year again. Along with it comes controversy. The candidate with the most controversial headlines is a fellow by the name of HorrendousHair Resident.

HorrendousHair claims that liberals are somehow making alts of themselves and voting multiple times.

I find this to be a crazy notion. What is an "alt"? Is it some sort of multiple personality disorder?

He also claims that automated vehicles are delivering voters to the wrong locations.

Automated vehicles? Is this even possible? I often see Ralph driving folks around in various vehicles around Bay City. These vehicles are clearly not automated.

HorrendousHair Resident seems to be desperate as his numbers are falling in the polls.

He's just afraid that NotMonica97 Resident will win this election.

Remote Control for Television Invented

Zenith has invented a device that allows you to change the channel on your television without leaving your seat.

That's great, thanks. But I was already not getting enough exercise sitting on the couch watching "The Honeymooners".

This is just a fad. Seriously, there are only 4 or 5 television stations available. How often do we get up to change the channel anyway? Besides, nothing is on. I checked.

Telling it like he sees it:
ADudeNamed Anthony

Federal Government Approves Funding For Interstate Highways

Not enough lanes for you? Worry not. The Federal Government is footing the bill for new multi-lane highways.

I interviewed representatives from the LDPW. They tell me that new "prim" limits allow for these larger highways making it possible to drive faster from region to region. There was no comment on the effects of such high speed crossings into such regions.

I don't see how this is useful. We have a perfectly decent trolley on Rt 66. It works 78% of the time... statistically.

Telling it like he sees it:
ADudeNamed Anthony

Bay City Drinking Water Quality in Question

Recently, the Bay City Health Department sampled the water in Daley Bay. The inspectors found green pixelized particles, determined to be remnants of an activity which occurred in March in the localized area.

In my interview with Mayor M, I asked if the water was safe to drink. Her response was: "Sure, why not."

Telling it like he sees it:
ADudeNamed Anthony

Sconset Threatens To Secede From Bay City

July 2016

Cleverly dubbed "Scexit", the people of Sconset are discussing an exit from the Bay City "Union".
I find this interesting considering that, when trying to interview local residents, there is no response. There are dozens of people dancing and standing around, but they don't say anything.

Good luck, Sconset. You silent bunch.
Telling it like he sees it:
ADudeNamed Anthony

Flying Saucers Spotted in Truro

June 2016

Orson Wells was right! Flying saucers were seen flying around Truro yesterday. Surprisingly, onlookers did not panic and went about their business. I expected to see the military intervene. Instead, a resident boarded what they called a "Millennium Eagle" or some nonsense name and attacked the spacecraft. The flying saucers moved on and were never seen again.

Telling it like he sees it:
ADudeNamed Anthony

The Bay Of Prims and the Caledon Missile Crisis

May 2016

Earlier this month, troops invaded Caledon in an attempt to take down their leader. As it turns out, they don't have a leader, so they just stuck around and played Greedy Greedy for a few hours.

Later, another group, in an attempt to "one-up" the previous invaders, began constructing missile silos in abandoned land in the Caledon area. These areas became known as "Green Zones".

Most of the missiles were actually fired off, but all they did was spew some kind of pornography all over the regions. Some call them "Phallistic Missiles". Whatever they are called, some guy named "Linden" appeared out of nowhere and removed the pornographic litter magically.

Telling it like he sees it:
ADudeNamed Anthony

Are Computers a Fad?

April 2016

Recently, "the mechanical brain" was invented. So now what? What possible use does it have?

I have heard some predictions of what a so called "computer" can be used for:
1. Doing math:
    So? My abacus does that! I don't even balance my checkbook anyway.
2. Predict a statistical future:
    Do you really want to know? And Who likes statistics?
3. Games:
    A nice game of chess would be nice, but I would be a little paranoid about a computer that can do that.
4. Communication across the globe:
    Electronic mail? That will never happen. The post office would go out of business.
5. Electronic shopping:
    What? I have my Sears catalog!
6. Graphic design and art:
    Sorry, but a computer doing graphics is not art.
7. Virtual worlds:
    Yeah, like that's going to happen!
8. Home computers:
    A computer small enough to fit in your garage? That's impossible!

It's a fad folks. Nobody in their right mind would use such a contraption!

Telling it like he sees it:
ADudeNamed Anthony

Griefers Suspected As Being Communists

March 2016

McCarthy hasn't chimed in yet, but there is a theory that most, if not all, griefers are Communists.

First, the term "griefer" seems odd to me. But this is how local officials refer to them. I tried to interview a griefer, but I could not find any. They hit and run in most cases.

Considering the devastation and the motive of these griefers, it is clear that the Cold War will not be over soon.

Why are they Communists? Because they don't agree with our way of life. They are not with us, so they must be against us. Therefore, by process of elimination, all griefers shall be considered Communists. We have used this labeling system in the past. Why stop now?

Telling it like he sees it:
ADudeNamed Anthony

Bay City Local Attempts To Build Bomb Shelter

February 2016

Yes folks, it's the Cold War. With that comes the need for bomb shelters. Why? Because who wouldn't want to survive the destruction of civilization only to ultimately starve or suffocate in an airtight chamber...alone...with no TV??

A Bay City citizen has been trying to build a bomb shelter. He does not wish to have his name released, so we shall call him "Ralph".

I interviewed Ralph as he was trying to dig a hole on his land. He has not made a dent. Yes, believe me; he has tried all kinds of shovels and mechanical digging equipment. But alas, he cannot dig a hole for his bomb shelter.

Apparently, he is not alone. Many Bay City residents have attempted to dig holes without success. I researched further and discovered that other communities can dig all the holes they want on their land. But for some reason, the surface of the ground in Bay City is impenetrable.

Ralph further explained that every time he tries to "edit terrain", he receives some kind of message that he is not allowed to do this. Is this a law? And why say "edit terrain"? It seems like a long way to say "dig" to me. But Ralph can use whatever language he likes.

Good luck Ralph.

Telling it like he sees it:
ADudeNamed Anthony

Lassie Finds Timmy In A Well

January 2016

Oops, she did it again. That's right. Lassie saves the day one more time. It seems Timmy keeps getting himself into trouble and Lassie keeps covering for him. Is she enabling an accident-prone menace? Perhaps.

I investigated further. According to representatives of the Bay City Police Department and Bay City Fire Department, Timmy didn't fall into a 'well' at all. He was riding a freebie bicycle in the vicinity of Dennis. During the course of his excursion, he encountered an invisible line between the limits of Dennis and Tisbury. Upon crossing this jurisdiction, he found himself at a location at the southwestern-most limit of Dennis at sea level. The Department of Public Works refers to this as '<0,0,0>'. I am assuming that is some type of latitude and longitude. Further, it seems Timmy lost his bike.

Using a dog-to-human translator, I asked Lassie how she found Timmy. Apparently, Timmy has some sort of tracking device on his person. Somehow, Lassie has a way to call up what she refers to as a 'Friend's List' and miraculously find him on a map. This seems awfully convenient to me. Nevertheless, Lassie saves the day... again.

Telling it like he sees it
Reporter ADudeNamed Anthony
repost 190325
original 171210

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